Cycle On

Well, it’s official. I have jumped on the bandwagon and bought myself an overpriced bike so that I too could join the ranks of millions of cyclists who spend hours pedaling around in skin tight spandex. Now I also have the luxury of riding halfway in the street, not allowing any vehicle to pass but also pretending that I am completely unaware that cars are even there, wanting to run me over.

I really went all out today though. I rode my bike up a mountain (I say that casually, but know this, it was the worst two hours of my life; I kept hoping a cougar would take me or that a tree would fall on me but no such luck. I lived and now my butt is basically broken) and on the way down, I clogged up the lane so that cars couldn’t pass. It is what we, as cyclists, and I’m permitted to call myself a cyclist because I have the spandex with a company’s logo on it, do. We take up lanes, pretending to be as fast as cars but we aren’t, and we know that, but we pretend. That makes us true cyclists and thats what I did today, so now I’m a bonafide cyclist. The logic is pretty simple, really.

I remember riding a bike as a kid and let me tell you, it has all changed. It has changed some for good and some for bad. First the good. Now you can get on your bike and you immediately have a gang to ride around with (ever seen the huge group of cyclists racing around the streets like they belong there? I have, and they, like 97% of the population, annoy me. I believe this swarm of cyclists is called a peloton, fyi). I would say that you could take your new gang and try to beat up other cyclists but the cycling gang you’ve adopted is probably a bunch of rich guys, so they are most likely unable to beat up anyone. But you have a gang, so that’s good. I recommend riding with your new gang of 60 people down the middle of a busy street. Motorists like that.

Another good thing about cycling or biking or whatever the hell it’s called, is that now you don’t have to wonder where to spend all that extra money! Hurray! Finally, a solution to all those extra dollars just piling up! Because you don’t just buy a road bike that costs more than your car, you have to have a helmet, special cycling glasses, special gloves, spandex from head to toe, cycling socks, cycling tap shoes, extra tube for your microscopically thin tires, and much much more. You’re never done buying more biking gear, which helps you spend those pesky dollars. Thank you cycling world.

A bad part of cycling, aside from the wussy gang you’ve become part of, is the fact that you now have to wear shorts with an obscene amount of padding, just to try to prevent your butt from breaking. Unfortunately, the magic shorts basically prevent nothing so until you callous up your butt, you will feel like someone took you to the top of the Eiffel tower and dropped you and you landed directly on your butt. It’s incredible. Those shorts do nothing. And the fact that you need them at all sort of confuses me. Hey bike manufacturers, ever consider designing a seat that would not rip my bum apart? No? You’re in cahoots with the padded spandex shorts manufacturer? That makes sense then. Continue designing bike seats that feel a lot like diamond plated granite.

So if you’re considering jumping on the cycling bandwagon too, know this, I’ve already jumped off. I’m not sure I can keep up the illusion that riding uphill for three hours is fun or that being in a gang that can’t beat up one of the Olsen twins is cool. But cycle on, if you choose. Just don’t be surprised if I try to run you over.

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