No thanks retirement

I recently caught a glimpse of what retirement is going to look like for me and my husband and I’m telling you, it isn’t pretty. My husband has had the last week off of work due to a change in jobs and being something of a busy-body/know-it-all/task-master, he has taken to following me around pointing out more efficient ways of doing things. “Why are you reading actual books? Try the Kindle! Oh, we don’t have that book? Just a quick update and we have it! Hold on, it’s loading it. Oh shoot. An error came up. Okay, here it is. Wow, it costs more than I thought. Huh. Maybe you can buy a different book.” Guess what hubs? I’m going to just read the book I already have in my hand. Maybe take a trip up to your mom’s house and try annoying her for a little while. I’m sure she finds discussions of home automation fascinating.

Probably the most annoying thing my husband does though, is he finds random objects laying around the house, obviously out of place and asks why they are there. For example, a pen is on the kitchen counter.

Him: “Why is this here? Pens cannot be left out. This is a big problem.”

Me: *blank stare*

Him: “Pens shouldn’t be left out. Kids can get them and draw on stuff. Maybe even walls!”

Me: *blank stare followed by an eye roll*

Him: “Courtney! You know I don’t like the pens being left out! We don’t want kids writing on walls or furniture. Okay? Are you going to make more of an effort not leaving pens or markers out?”

Me: *blank stare followed by an eye roll immediately followed by fist clenching*

Him:  “Ahh! I think I see a marker out! This is bad! A pen and a marker?! The kids could have written on so many things! Our favorite couch could be ruined! Have you checked the couches?! The walls?! Where are the kids?! Where are the other pens?! Do they have them?! Are they using them as we speak?! Do you even know where the rest of the pens are?!! What is happening?!!”

Me: *blank stare followed by an eye roll immediately followed by fist clenching followed by a punch to the neck*

It is soooooooooo annoying. And exhausting. I am terrified of what life will be like when there is no job start date ahead of us. He can’t really sit still so he walks around the house finding projects, but then sort of expects me to assist him in his projects. “Here. Hold this while I nail that.” NO! This is your project so leave me out of it! I don’t want to hold the flashlight while you strap the skybox onto the car roof at midnight! Do it during the daylight hours like a normal person! And no, I do not want to measure the entire house’s square footage. You can though, just don’t ask me to help. I’m reading my book that isn’t a kindle.

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