I have two kids’ birthdays next week. I cannot stress how much I dread their birthdays, and not because of the ‘stay little forever’ crap I hear people blubbering about; I hate the expectations. I look at my five year old, soon to be six year old, and he has these grandiose plans filled with 35 of his closest pals and cakes that are in the actual shape of a zombie brain. First off, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know 35 people and second off, what the hell does a zombie brain look like? I’m assuming it looks like a regular brain but only green. TBD. Either way, he has seen enough cartoons to have some pretty wild ideas of what birthday parties are. Hey kid, when I was turning 5 there was certainly no themed birthday cake and I’m almost positive the party was a couple neighbor kids playing in the backyard. I may or may not have even liked the neighbor kids.
For real though. What has happened to the birthday cakes? Suddenly it’s no longer acceptable to throw a couple candles on a cake, one must have a themed cake that doesn’t just have a picture depicting the theme, it must actually be the theme. Last year one of my kids asked for a Thomas the Train cake. Oh, so a sheet cake with a picture of Thomas on it? No. A thousand times no. It must be an actual train and it must be able to carry passengers. Come again? I cannot get behind this. Not just because I’m a minimalist (ie lazy), but because I firmly stand against Pinterest and all it’s evil undoing. If not for Pinterest, no one would even know you could spray paint an empty coffee can, throw some glitter on it, and make it into a candle. Hey people of Pinterest, go buy a flipping candle. I am not impressed by your homemade coffee can version. And if not for Pinterest, no one would look up these damn cake pictures and try to replicate them! But now I find myself trying to solve the riddle of what a zombie brain cake would entail and how to explain to the 2 year old that his cake is also a zombie brain because mommy cannot possibly do two themed cakes in the span of three days. Sorry third child, should have tried harder to be born first. Bottom line? We need to boycott Pinterest and cake making in general. Let me just buy the kid a donut. Somewhere out there one of the Pinterest moms is fainting. Faint away overachieving Pinterest mom. Faint away. But before you faint, would you mind making my son a zombie brain cake?