Cavemen

I’m raising cavemen. Seriously. Today I walked into the bathroom to find my four year old using the toilet. No big deal until he started talking to me and while he was talking and waving his arms wildly (he’s very expressive), he lost focus on the task at hand. It was like an interactive water park in there, pee shooting every which way and hitting all surfaces minus the intended target, the toilet. Meanwhile I was shouting at him to stop looking at me (shouting, screaming, same thing) and focus on where he was aiming that thing. Unfortunately, this isn’t rare or even unusual and with three little boys sharing a bathroom… let’s just say I avoid that bathroom like someone who has cleaned that bathroom before.

So they pee everywhere. Big deal. That doesn’t make them cavemen you say. You say wrong. Getting out of the house with these kids is like a six hour ordeal. It’s exhausting and almost never worth it. So I decided I was going to enlist the help of the 5 year old. Please keep in mind that if I allowed it, the 5 year old would still be sucking on a binky and wearing diapers; he has zero desire for independence or progress. That being said, I recognize him as not a great option but my only option. I was trying to get to the grocery store so I asked the 5 year old to help the 2 year old put his shoes on. As the 5 year old went to help the demonic 2 year old get his shoes on, he reached for the 2 year old’s fat foot and immediately got punched straight in the face. Without even looking up the 2 year old replied, “I gonna be mad at you.” What? Why so violent, little psychopath? Why so threatening? What as parents are we doing wrong? I try to keep the screaming to a minimal shriek, but maybe I could up it to a moderate shriek? Would that civilize them?

Tonight while taking the kids to a casual restaurant, we continually took turns telling the kids to put their shoes back on and stop climbing the lamppost. Seriously. I look around and see the other kids behaving much like regular human beings and I wonder why in the hell our kids are so savage. We frankly are not soft parents, we definitely do not shy away from discipline, but I fail to see why my kids cannot go 10 minutes without wrestling or climbing or jumping off crap. I get that they are kids and have, to put it in a cute but not accurate way, wiggles, but come on guys! Stop ripping the neighbor’s fence open just so you can get inside their backyard and climb their trees. These boys are so wild. So wild! I often think they were born 3.7 million (I looked it up; thank you google!) too late. Either way, I can’t wait for the day they grow up and come home and say, “Mom! The girls think it’s gross that I pee anywhere and everywhere outside. What gives?” Yup kid. You’ve got a lot of civilizing to do.

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